Many of us who find ourselves on a spiritual path like a twin flame path often suffer quite a bit before we understand what is going on.  We live through personal limitations and struggles and often do not see their higher purpose until much, much later. 

If you are struggling in any way and searching for answers or meaning to make sense of why you are struggling, I hope this example of how our spiritual paths ­­­are divinely orchestrated might bring you some hope.  

I have written about the spiritual journey and our recent twin flame union: https://zeropointshamanism.com/how-i-met-and-went-into-union-with-my-twin-flame/ But I have not written much about the incredible signs and synchronicities I have seen or how I see that our spiritual paths have been divinely orchestrated with incredible meaning and purpose.

I never noticed signs or synchronicities until I was on a spiritual path and searching for Truth.  It was only then that I began to notice them.  Many years later, I was showered with them when the spiritual path took an eerie turn and I found myself in the twin flame experience.

I often felt as I was being pushed down the spiritual path and that the Universe/God was leaving breadcrumbs along the way to let me know I was going the correct way when I was.  When I did not receive signs, I took it to mean that I had fallen off the path or had more lessons to learn.  Who knows how this really works, but there have been so many fascinating signs and even paranormal events that I have experienced while on the journey to union with Truth and my twin flame.

One particular sign affected me greatly, and it revealed why certain struggles and limitations were there my entire life.  The purpose was hidden until just a few days after I went into union with my twin.

One morning, I came to understand it all in an instant. When the understanding occurred, it was as if time folded over and melted into one eternal moment. I saw this mental block I had and how it had shaped my entire life.  It led me to this moment, where I fell into awe and appreciation for the entire divine interweaving that occurred throughout my life. 

It seems when looking for signs of God or divine orchestration, most are looking for literal signs that you can see with your eyes, but often we miss them because God does not usually work that way.  Because God is formless, God works in the abstract.  But when there is an instant recognition of purpose and meaning to the signs, as I am about to describe, it can be like an internal mental explosion.  It truly does blow your mind.

God/The Universe cannot be labeled or conceptualized because it is limitless.  But “It” is always giving us signs to pay attention to if we are willing to make an effort to stand in enough awareness to see them.  I also believe our guides/angels or those helping us from beyond may also have a gentle hand in coaxing us along the way with a myriad of signs that show us how many things in our life can have extraordinary purpose and meaning beyond what we thought before.

A very close friend of mine sent me a story he wrote about seeing his granddaughter accept communion and how it impacted him with one major synchronicity that he saw as divine orchestration. It brought the fullness of his life together in one instant that left him stunned and then sobbing.  As he saw his granddaughter take communion, he remembered his daughter’s love for God and natural faith and remembered her in her white dress not long before she tragically died in a car accident at sixteen years old. His story of seeing his granddaughter in her white dress reflecting his daughter and their love for God, made me remember my experience of divine orchestration and how it all came to full culmination just a few days after my twin and I went into union.

A Life-Long Fear

The story surrounds my fear of public speaking or what doctors and therapists called “performance anxiety.”  Throughout my school days, I had a horrible fear of getting up in front of people and speaking. I was not sure where it came from or even why I had it.  I just had it.  I can remember being in elementary school and jumping on my best friend’s trampoline with her on a Sunday before a Monday when an oral book report was due in front of the class.  I was dreading having to get up in front of the class that Monday. I remember thinking that maybe if I hurt myself on the trampoline, like break my leg or something, I could get surely get out of it.  It wouldn’t be the last time in my life that I would fantasize about getting an injury to get myself out of a similar situation.

Another time I remember being at a roller rink birthday party with friends.  I had to give a speech in class the next day. I had a miserable time at that party, thinking about it.  And even now, when I think of that neighborhood roller rink, a roller rink that we had so many parties and spent so much time at, I only really remember the misery of that particular day when I felt such ominous dread.

As I grew up, I loved to learn new things, but I hated school due to this fear.  In college, I even transferred universities to avoid having to take a speech class.  I would end up “sick” so often on speech days that I would get a C in a class when my average was an A.  But in the end, I had to give speeches to graduate, and it took me much longer to graduate college because I was always putting off those classes that had required speeches.  I would often freak out and drop the class right before the speech.  I dealt with it in misery.  And sometimes instead of running away, I would force myself to do it.  In practicing my speeches, I would often feel like I was going to pass out.  And in one summer school speech class, I even ran out right before I had to give the presentation. I never went back to that class.  I felt like such a failure so many times. Strangely though, I managed to graduate college despite taking zero grades for so many oral presentations.

After college, I was determined to get over my “ridiculous” fear so I could be successful in the work world. I felt I would never make it in the world if I could not get over this.  Or at least I was told by others this would be the case. And I absorbed that idea.  I sought a job that would force me to get over my fear.  I took my first job right out of college giving speeches to bankers for an accounting system for business clients.  I told myself what others and society said: “You need to face your fear so you will get over it.” 

I tried in many ways to get over my fear. I even took beta-blockers given to me by a family doctor to slow down my heart rate, which did help quite a bit.  I got hypnosis, which also helped some.  But I never found the root of this fear.

Later I took a job working for a software company selling software to CEOs and Risk Management teams at hospitals.  One day I took too many beta-blockers before my presentation, and I slurred through my speech.  I am sure they thought I was drunk. I didn’t care though, because I got through it and just getting through it without running away made me happy, even if I was miserable doing it the entire time.  

I kept forcing myself into situations to stand up and talk in front of people to get over my fear.  Because cultural conditioning said that was the answer.  Despite somewhat “getting over it” I did poorly at these jobs even though I made it through the presentations.   I did poorly because even though the fear subsided, I still hated every moment of those positions.  I dreaded going to work every single day. I would often say to myself that I would love to strangle the person that said: “Face your fears!”  Yes, sometimes facing your fears is a good thing and sometimes it can make us happier and freer when we do.  But most of the time for me, forcing myself to do it caused misery and more feelings of failure.  I was not following joy. I was forcing myself into continuous, uncomfortable situations.  This was not helping me.  It felt like self-torture.

Eventually, I got over the internal battle that I needed to accept this idea that society dictated that I must face my fear.  Instead, I realized that not only did I have a fear, but I also had a strong aversion.  Fears can lead to aversions, and aversions are not always fears I concluded.

I made the choice that I would rather live my life in enjoyment and comfort than be miserable and forcing myself to do things I did not want to do at all.  I decided I wanted my life to be my own and on my terms. I did not want to be unhappy anymore.  I didn’t want to live my life for others or society but for myself.  I wanted a job I could be happy in.  I wanted to feel at ease with life and even be excited about it.

Being happy and feeling free suddenly became the most important thing to me.   The beginning stages of a spiritual journey were in the works.

So I started seeking work I might enjoy despite what others thought.   I bounced around in different careers, trying to figure this out.   I ended up discovering that I fit very well into a role as a personal fitness trainer working one-on-one with people. I found a nice, well- paid job doing this and I spent twelve years at a wonderful gym that I loved.  I took to this helping role like a duck to water.  I enjoyed it and it felt easy to me.  I loved helping people get fit and healthy.  Even though I enjoyed it, I knew it was not my calling and I grew tired of it after some years.  But this job was far better than the alternatives I forced myself into previously that never fit my personality or were in line with my heart.  It was in the comfort and security during the years at this personal training job that I ended up pursuing my spiritual path fully through meditation.

Fast forward to my twin flame union over a decade after I started my personal training job and my spiritual path.  When I met my twin, my emotions were high.  It was a shock how we met and I became very disoriented at the time. 

If you are a twin, you understand the ideas behind the purpose of a twin flame union.  There is tremendous spiritual meaning involved in a twin flame union and also many convoluted ideas about it, which my twin and I only fully understood after we settled into our union.

The Collapse

My twin flame, Jim, has two teenage boys.  When we met and went into union, I was extremely stressed out due to the experiences I was having before our union.  I had just spent an entire year with Kundalini energy that was keeping me up at night.  Coupled with Kundalini, there was confusion over a catalyst twin that had spontaneously appeared about a year prior.  There were many mental and emotional clearings, signs, synchronicities, telepathic, and even paranormal events that happened to my catalyst twin and I.  I had not slept more than 3-4 hours at a time almost this entire year.  I was barely functioning and barely making it to my job many days.  And then, the twin switch from my catalyst twin to my real twin occurred and caught me completely off guard. 

When Jim and I first met in person and quickly fell into union, it was only a few days later that he suggested that I meet his boys over Skype.  They could “interview” me, he said.  They could “fire” questions at me, and I could answer them. 

Had I not been under such extreme stress at the time from lack of sleep and the disorientation/confusion over the switch in twins, I probably would have handled his suggestion much better than I did.  But because I was in such a frazzled state when it was mentioned, the idea of being grilled by his teenaged sons sent a shock through me.  All my performance anxiety fears came rushing back with brutality on top of everything else that was going on.  I was in a place where I felt I could not take the slightest tinge of stress, or I would topple over.  So when he mentioned it, I felt like dropping to the floor and falling between the cracks.  I just wanted to hide.  I felt I could not take much more of anything, certainly not being grilled by two teenage boys. I now know that those were not his exact words, but that is how I interpreted them at the time. He hit my major trigger.

Right after I hung up the phone with him, I had a flashback:

I was about three or four years old wearing an itchy dress, socks, and tight black patent shoes.  It was Christmas Eve at our church.

Our church was massive. Inside it was dark with flickering amber lights all around.  Everyone was seated, and I was standing at the back of the church staring at the ominous length of it.  I was to walk the Baby Jesus for the nativity scene up to the front of the church at the behest, I believe, of my mother and some of the other parishioners. At first, I stood still, frozen in time. I heard intense quiet with slight knocks of subdued laughter bouncing off the corners of the immense gothic cavern. Over a hundred people in blackness with just their eyes lit up by flickering light. Shadows snaking across the wall.  It was so dark the quiet was loud.

I was being pushed from behind.  I was holding a small figurine of Baby Jesus tightly in my hands, being told not to drop Him. The hollowness of the room and the whispers and stares were terrifying. I was not entirely sure why I was there. I kept being pushed forward. I froze.

Then I ran.

I ran down the sides of the aisles in a confused race trying to find where to go, looking for my mother. People suddenly were laughing. Lots of laughing.  Then people trying to grab me as I ran by them. Hideous laughing mouths and scary eyes in the flickering dark.

Suddenly when this memory arose after my twin’s suggestion, it was like it shot through every moment in my life that caused suffering over this debilitating fear I had.  This tiny childhood experience, just a few minutes long, was the origin that bled into everything and designed my life, all my failures, and shortcomings.  They layered over each other, one after another after another after another. They all collapsed into this moment.

This childhood experience was a big part of what put me on the spiritual path in the first place and I never remembered it until now. And here it wound full circle and tied itself into this neat little bow almost like a Christmas present: Church, Baby Jesus, God, Twin Flame, Twin Flame Union.

It was all perfectly orchestrated to be realized at this very moment.  Flashes of time and events all collapsing into the eternal Now. I was in awe.

It felt as though God/Universe, all the guides and angels were smiling in unison down on me for my recognition that this had all been a grand setup.  And then there was laughter.

My life was supposed to go this way so I could wake up to God/Truth and finally meet and go into union with my twin flame.

There are no words for a Realization such as this.  How God (the non-entity) manages to shock, surprise, and delight us in these mind-shattering ways that pull life’s puzzle pieces together. Suddenly, the whole picture comes into focus and has meaning. 

You see how all your suffering had a purpose.

I will never understand how it happens.  It is somehow embedded in this beautiful mystery of life from the beginning, before our birth even.  The orchestration of it all is unfathomable.  I knew then that my entire life had been planned, mapped, and I was exactly where I needed to be, and I always have been. Astonished.

If we could remember in times of struggle, that there is a purpose to it all, then maybe we could move through the hard times with less resistance and torment. 

Everything has a purpose in your life, even if you cannot see the full picture yet and are still only seeing the confusing pieces.  One day you will see it all come together like a Christmas present.  It is all part of the grand design of your life.  It is all divinely orchestrated and one day the purpose will be revealed.

Merry Christmas!

Amy